Bloom

So what? If I fell in love with a man, who is also in love with another man?!

I was told it doesn’t make any sense! I was told that I knew it from the very beginning but still why did I pushed through it? They didn’t know that even I had been asking myself the same questions over and over! I had fought so hard to not get into the point where I would fall so hard and end up breaking my own heart, but I did! It felt so bad and so sad that I had to be where I am today just because I followed my heart.

It is not easy to fall in love with a man who is also in love with another man. I had to condition my head all the time and tame my heart not to beat so fast when he’s around. Heaven knows how badly I have fought for every feeling that I had, to resist the emotions, to never overthink the situation. I tried so hard to be rational and logical but it seemed like my heart was even more stubborn than my head. I don’t even know why? Is this even love? Is this even real? My resistance to everything was overlooked as me being rude, as me being so hard. But deep inside I was melting, I am as soft as the air that suffocated me, that made it so hard for me to breathe.

He didn’t know how painful that was. To fight with your own thoughts, to have a debate in your own head with no chances of winning an argument, but still I chose that feeling! The feeling of loving him from a far, The feeling of setting him free, the feeling of supporting him in exploring his identity. The joy in seeing him happy even if it isn’t me that caused it. He didn’t know that I wished him well that I never grasped the idea that we could really be together because I believed that I will never be enough and that he deserves more, loving him from a distance was all it could ever be and that’s all that was left for me. He didn’t know how it all rolled up to this because I was too hard on him and to myself. I made him believe that I am fine, that I am okay but I was screaming, losing my senses. All these didn’t matter because in my heart I have loved him so dearly in ways I knew how.

Until one day that I have to tell him that I love him. It felt incredibly awful! For the first time in this lifetime I am being honest to myself that I like this man and I am willing to risk it all! Surely I had fallen for other guys before but it never came to this point of being brutally true to myself that I feel something special for someone. I may be naive, but this is who I am. I was always in denial of the fact that I may be having feelings for someone, well that’s how it goes. I built this wall so strong that no other man can break, but he was an exception. He didn’t just break my walls, he climbed his way through and made me believe he will stay and the sad thing was, I let him in, I made him stay.

I am a person with severe trust issues and when I say severe, It is really SEVERE! I was always hesistant about him, his intentions, his actions. I always question his motives, maybe he’s just too kind? maybe I am his guilt trip or maybe he’s bored? maybe he’s just too good to be true or maybe because he’s simply my friend. I never felt his genuine friendship all these years, not a single bit! I don’t know why? maybe I am the problem, maybe I have the problem. Yet as this fiasco continued I have proven myself right. Why? because instead of letting me heal, he chose to push through a conversation that ended up so bad. He was fighting for the friendship, he said. I was fighting for me, for my healing I said and that means to not be friends with him anymore!

Was it too much to ask? Is it selfish to save your own sanity? Damn it! I was rejected by a man who is in love with another man who claims himself to be my friend. How can you even recover from that? How can you even tell yourself to stop crying? How can you even find the strength to forgive yourself for feeling too much and how can you seek for that courage to start anew? I lose it all, the love I kept for years, and the friend behind my every tears.

Is it too much to ask for space? for silence? Is it too much to ask to save myself? He even told me that I am self centered! That I always think of what I feel but I never thought of what he feels! I just don’t get it, he told me he doesn’t feel anything special for me! Okay, so maybe it was about the “friendship” thing but if he was really my “friend” as a friend he should have considered that I was hurting, that I am in pain, that I was rejected! He could have just stayed silent and respected me and what I felt but he didn’t. The most painful part is that he didn’t take this whole thing seriously and I felt belittled and disrespected as a human being and as a woman capable of feeling. He had the guts to invalidate whatever I felt because he was a man in love with another man and I was just a “sister” to him. I had no time to be rational and logical. I am not even that smart to weigh things! At that time I was so emotional, was it ever a crime to feel too much all at the same time? I am only human capable of loving and a woman who is still hurting.

I wonder why it came to this point, maybe I loved him because he seemed to care for me, for the things I like, for the ones I love. Maybe I loved him because he was always there, always willing to help. Maybe I loved him because he sees something good in me, maybe he believed in me, in the things that I could do, or the person that I could be. I loved him because he was there when everyone left, he made me feel something that I am worthy to be cared for, something that I have deprived myself of, something I never knew until I met him. I loved him because he never fails to listen maybe that was the best thing about him. I might ran out of reasons why I loved him but what I felt, that is something I can’t explain further, no rules, no standards, no rationale, no judgement, just LOVE.

Is it? I was hungry for love, for care, for someone that will understand and accpet me that now as I go through this phase of moving on I realized that I don’t have to look for all of those things I sought from him or from anybody else but rather just look deep into who I am. Perhaps the lesson that all these has imprinted in me is that, Learn to love yourself, accept who you are, understand what you can’t, work on what you could and please take good care of yourself for at the end of the day it is only you that could save your sanity and your well being.

Never feel sorry for being who you are, we’re all human capable of making mistakes and making things right. Never deprive yourself of the distance, space and the silence you need to heal. You know yourself better you can get through it! Never trust a person who calls you a friend but refuses to respect you, judges you and doesn’t take you seriously. Be cautious on who you open yourself up to, not everyone who comes will truly care for you and stay! Never chase for love and never ever beg for it, the right love will come at the right time. Love knows no rules, no gender, no age. Love knows only the truth and when you’re lucky enough you might find love in a friendly way possible. After all it could have been a life changing lesson learned.

Please be good to yourself and always, love bravely!

I will never regret that day when I realized that I love you and that day when I told you that I really do. but please allow me to live my life without you. Thank you. You might not have loved me back in ways I had hoped for but you gave me a lesson that I will cherish forever.
Have a great life!

“Strive to be happy”

This is me, moving on. Yes, I am that girl who fell in love with a man who is in love with another man. #Friendzone

Love is a risk, either you win or you lose it all.

-FRG

words and photos are all original from feistyredgirl

-all rights reserved-

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Stride

One step and a stride 
Carried pain and pride 
Is there anything else to hide 
Deep blue ocean so wide 
Unleash those secrets behind 

Faded sadness and a little cry 
Strong-willed enough to try 
Wash all fears and never ask why 
Vanished for a little while 
One more move, to wave goodbye… 


©FRG


Words and photo by feistyredgirl

All rights reserved

(Photo taken at Helicopter Island, El Nido Palawan Philippines)

Once Again

image

Love has touched me once, and for me that could mean, enough.

I have never been brave to love again, scared to give my heart away.
Afraid of what might happen, I have fears that love will never come again.
I have loved and lost, I once fought for what I truly feel, then I ended up being ill.
I was sick, of the pain that I have to endure to feel loved, to feel free, to be happy.
Then I had recovered, I realized that pain has made me stronger. Even cautious and tougher.
Pain has taught me that you have to strive to live, to be alive.
Love has taught me, that you can live and die over and over.

Once can mean enough, but as I get through this world alone, I know love will come shining through again.
Again, I may not know when, but for sure it will happen. Who am I to tell, who am I to go against something that might come along.
One day love will find me, or even haunt me, but that is what this journey is all about.
To gaze through life with love in our hearts.

Once, I had loved you, you taught me how is it like to give unselfishly, you made me feel special, you made me feel loved.
Once, I thought I can’t live a day without you.
Once, you were here and I was there, but things aren’t meant to be.
I left, you left, We, drifted apart saying nothing, feeling empty but still thriving…
Then I got tired, you moved away, from a far, I see you smile, it made me happy but it wasn’t me, the reason behind those smile.
I have forgiven myself for loving you enough that I had to let you go, then, you lived and loved, and I chose to live again.

Again, If I might come across that same old feeling again, with someone new, I want it to last, I want it to be strong, I want it to be brave, something genuine, something real, someone worth living.
Again, I will choose love and life over and over even if it might kill me and set me on fire, drift through the water, here I am, still alive.
Again, never promise me anything, just let me love you, in the smallest or grandest way that I could. Tell me that you will always be true. Love me like I had never felt pain before.

Once, I loved you and I will never forget you
Again, I will love you and I may be ready to take this journey called life with you.

Follow me through we’re moving forward, once again.

Today marks the fourth year of my blog! Thank you for gazing through my thoughts. For all the impromptu series and emotional stints, I thank you all for getting through
We’re moving forward, let me take the lead, this time, my heart with me

.

-FRG
feistyredgirl

words and photo by feistyredgirl,
all rights reserved

Have I?

I have lost all my senses and waited for them to come back

i dropped the crumpled piece of paper on the floor

I smudged an old pen with an ink of black

I held grip of what i have been wanting more

I have swept the old papers and dumped my inked dress

I have finally found my way back

and this time not to impress but to bleed and express

-FRG

Grab Some

The best thing about a cookie is, once you have it, it is either you consume it or you store it. Trust on the other hand is, once you have it, you have no choice but to keep it or consume it all, and consider it gone. Allow me to relate a cookie to trust, it may sound a bit silly, funny or whatever. Just please let me.

cookie

photo from google.com

A cookie is round, sometimes oval, sometimes square or it can be of any shape, but admit it once you see a cookie, there is an irresistible desire to eat it all no matter how it looks like, a cookie will always taste as such. It is sweet, a bit salty, some finds it a bit bitter, some add flavors, some make it simple, some make it taste too much, yet all of us have our different preference right? Admit it, once you see it you grab it easily and make the most out of it, but when the cookie is gone, not even a trace of it can remind of how whole the cookie was before you ate it, it is just the after-taste that remains and sooner it will also be gone. Like any cycle you do the same thing over and over once you have that “cookie encounter”. Some prefers swallowing the whole piece of it, like there’s no way someone can get this cookie from me thingy. Others prefer small bites, reserving every piece of it till tomorrow, kidding! Some wants it to be broken into half or even to 4, savoring each bit, while others store it as long as they want, until it expires and just be disposed to the trash bag. At one way or another it is our choice on how we do it, or on how we deal with it. Apparently it may sound like I’m making a big deal about it but come to think of it.

Trust is like respect it is not being imposed it is being earned and some may agree that “it takes years to have it and only a few seconds to destroy it”. Moreover trust is the core of everything be it in a relationship, career, or simply in our daily lives. If you don’t trust the person behind you on a train, man! That must have been a panic attack, or the vendor along the streets, or the stranger who’s asking for directions, or the teacher who taught you how to read, or the father who says that he’ll never leave you, or the friend you’ve known for years, and even the man you’ve loved so dearly. Trust can make new beginnings but it can also cast unhappy endings. Face it! It is really hard to trust anyone especially nowadays, where lying is just as easy as ABC’s and where pretending is as casual and cheating is a hobby and selfishness comes so easy. Fact, the trust you once had can never be retrieved by any means.

chocolate_cookies

photo from google.com

Now, what is this silly analogy-comparison I’ve made between a cookie and trust well, I bet you have an idea. It is as simple as first, once you swallowed the whole cookie, expect that choke is coming right away, a glass of water may help (I bet); just like trust, if you easily and fully gave your whole trust to someone it can either make you feel good or bad, again it is your choice anyway, remember that consequences are just around the corner, careful. Second, small cookie bites take time, sometimes if it takes too long before you finish it the quality of the cookie is decreased, it may become a bit soft, or its texture may change and so on, just like in trusting someone it is good to take time and seize each moments and learn from it but the negative thing about taking too much time is that, it may change, its quality, the person you knew may have different preference, maybe he change for some reasons or time has made you and him grew apart. A bit dramatic and sad, but yes it happens sometimes. Third, some breaks the cookie to half, making sure that it’ll be as equal as it can be, but the thing is, as you break it into half, you may have not notice that the small particles that once made that cookie whole are falling down the floor and later swept on, see the thing, the more we make sure that it is fair and equal and suitable for all it just turns out that some of its components are gone, we oftentimes ignore the little things we do for others like trusting them can make a lot more difference if we gave it our all or if we just learned to set boundaries to refrain the scenarios of being hurt and betrayed. See that? That is quite a long reasoning but come to think of it being a bit obsessive is sometimes not good at all. Lastly, some chooses to keep the cookie until it expires, some are afraid to take risk or just too lazy to do stuffs or just, they don’t really like it at all. Trusting someone is a risk, weither you like it or not you’ll invest a portion of it to someone, others find it so hard because they are afraid, maybe because, they’ve been hurt, or they’ve been changed or they’ve just learned their lesson. The thing is it is also good to be silent sometimes, and just stay on the shelves to avoid dramas and confrontations but the thing is, you’ll never realize the truth, you’ll never learn if you will deprive yourself, you’ll never enjoy, you’ll never be satisfied.

Bottom line is we just have to be honest for us to be trustworthy. No matter how much trust someone has invested on us and no matter how we’ve known and not known each other, honesty can bind us all, you can include sincerity if you like. It is not the type of cookie or the manner on how you take it but it is the genuineness of your heart that will defy your every means when it comes to trusting and being trusted by someone. No specific ingredient is needed on this; it is just you who has that power to make each bite the sweetest. Get rid of the bitterness that you may taste by trusting the wrong people, even so, learn to appreciate it because for once you’ve been oriented on how is it like to have a taste of it, learn from it. Now grab that cookie and make sure you’ll enjoy it because that’s why it is made, to satisfy our cravings, to ease our hunger, and to enjoy every piece of it with laughter. I trust you on this buddy!

-FRG

Happy New Year

My 2013 is like a thick book, filled with adventure, fun, drama, thrill and above all, lessons that I hope will last forever. It is not easy to start a new page, yet with enough courage an updated book cover can be made, beautiful pages can be written, fruitful and exciting stories can be published. None of those page has to be ignored for it took part to complete such history that when recalled maybe good, sometimes not so good but the bottom line is, it has played a major role in ones lives. Few characters left the scene, some remained, some were invisible, some were tangible, some were consistent few were inconsistent but thank you to those characters who gave color to such wonderful year. Places and locations filled with beauty, places of darkness even filled it with fear has strengthen the idea of how someone can learn beyond his limits. Loved and hated, has forgive and forgiven, a story is never complete without a villian. I too, has been a villain. Met some warriors, found thy heroes, still seeking for that knight even not on shiny armor. But through it all, turn the next page and finish the last chapter. For nothing is to be rewritten but more of accept everything thats been given. And now, as i publish this status, i wish everyone a happy happy new year. Go on and Give 2014 a blast and thank 2013 for what has been given, been done and all. God is good to bless us with another year to fill in our holes, to read as much as we can, to sharpen our pens, to light our dark paths, to be the person we dreamt to be, it is never too late to start again, HAPPY NEW YEAR ️