Bloom

So what? If I fell in love with a man, who is also in love with another man?!

I was told it doesn’t make any sense! I was told that I knew it from the very beginning but still why did I pushed through it? They didn’t know that even I had been asking myself the same questions over and over! I had fought so hard to not get into the point where I would fall so hard and end up breaking my own heart, but I did! It felt so bad and so sad that I had to be where I am today just because I followed my heart.

It is not easy to fall in love with a man who is also in love with another man. I had to condition my head all the time and tame my heart not to beat so fast when he’s around. Heaven knows how badly I have fought for every feeling that I had, to resist the emotions, to never overthink the situation. I tried so hard to be rational and logical but it seemed like my heart was even more stubborn than my head. I don’t even know why? Is this even love? Is this even real? My resistance to everything was overlooked as me being rude, as me being so hard. But deep inside I was melting, I am as soft as the air that suffocated me, that made it so hard for me to breathe.

He didn’t know how painful that was. To fight with your own thoughts, to have a debate in your own head with no chances of winning an argument, but still I chose that feeling! The feeling of loving him from a far, The feeling of setting him free, the feeling of supporting him in exploring his identity. The joy in seeing him happy even if it isn’t me that caused it. He didn’t know that I wished him well that I never grasped the idea that we could really be together because I believed that I will never be enough and that he deserves more, loving him from a distance was all it could ever be and that’s all that was left for me. He didn’t know how it all rolled up to this because I was too hard on him and to myself. I made him believe that I am fine, that I am okay but I was screaming, losing my senses. All these didn’t matter because in my heart I have loved him so dearly in ways I knew how.

Until one day that I have to tell him that I love him. It felt incredibly awful! For the first time in this lifetime I am being honest to myself that I like this man and I am willing to risk it all! Surely I had fallen for other guys before but it never came to this point of being brutally true to myself that I feel something special for someone. I may be naive, but this is who I am. I was always in denial of the fact that I may be having feelings for someone, well that’s how it goes. I built this wall so strong that no other man can break, but he was an exception. He didn’t just break my walls, he climbed his way through and made me believe he will stay and the sad thing was, I let him in, I made him stay.

I am a person with severe trust issues and when I say severe, It is really SEVERE! I was always hesistant about him, his intentions, his actions. I always question his motives, maybe he’s just too kind? maybe I am his guilt trip or maybe he’s bored? maybe he’s just too good to be true or maybe because he’s simply my friend. I never felt his genuine friendship all these years, not a single bit! I don’t know why? maybe I am the problem, maybe I have the problem. Yet as this fiasco continued I have proven myself right. Why? because instead of letting me heal, he chose to push through a conversation that ended up so bad. He was fighting for the friendship, he said. I was fighting for me, for my healing I said and that means to not be friends with him anymore!

Was it too much to ask? Is it selfish to save your own sanity? Damn it! I was rejected by a man who is in love with another man who claims himself to be my friend. How can you even recover from that? How can you even tell yourself to stop crying? How can you even find the strength to forgive yourself for feeling too much and how can you seek for that courage to start anew? I lose it all, the love I kept for years, and the friend behind my every tears.

Is it too much to ask for space? for silence? Is it too much to ask to save myself? He even told me that I am self centered! That I always think of what I feel but I never thought of what he feels! I just don’t get it, he told me he doesn’t feel anything special for me! Okay, so maybe it was about the “friendship” thing but if he was really my “friend” as a friend he should have considered that I was hurting, that I am in pain, that I was rejected! He could have just stayed silent and respected me and what I felt but he didn’t. The most painful part is that he didn’t take this whole thing seriously and I felt belittled and disrespected as a human being and as a woman capable of feeling. He had the guts to invalidate whatever I felt because he was a man in love with another man and I was just a “sister” to him. I had no time to be rational and logical. I am not even that smart to weigh things! At that time I was so emotional, was it ever a crime to feel too much all at the same time? I am only human capable of loving and a woman who is still hurting.

I wonder why it came to this point, maybe I loved him because he seemed to care for me, for the things I like, for the ones I love. Maybe I loved him because he was always there, always willing to help. Maybe I loved him because he sees something good in me, maybe he believed in me, in the things that I could do, or the person that I could be. I loved him because he was there when everyone left, he made me feel something that I am worthy to be cared for, something that I have deprived myself of, something I never knew until I met him. I loved him because he never fails to listen maybe that was the best thing about him. I might ran out of reasons why I loved him but what I felt, that is something I can’t explain further, no rules, no standards, no rationale, no judgement, just LOVE.

Is it? I was hungry for love, for care, for someone that will understand and accpet me that now as I go through this phase of moving on I realized that I don’t have to look for all of those things I sought from him or from anybody else but rather just look deep into who I am. Perhaps the lesson that all these has imprinted in me is that, Learn to love yourself, accept who you are, understand what you can’t, work on what you could and please take good care of yourself for at the end of the day it is only you that could save your sanity and your well being.

Never feel sorry for being who you are, we’re all human capable of making mistakes and making things right. Never deprive yourself of the distance, space and the silence you need to heal. You know yourself better you can get through it! Never trust a person who calls you a friend but refuses to respect you, judges you and doesn’t take you seriously. Be cautious on who you open yourself up to, not everyone who comes will truly care for you and stay! Never chase for love and never ever beg for it, the right love will come at the right time. Love knows no rules, no gender, no age. Love knows only the truth and when you’re lucky enough you might find love in a friendly way possible. After all it could have been a life changing lesson learned.

Please be good to yourself and always, love bravely!

I will never regret that day when I realized that I love you and that day when I told you that I really do. but please allow me to live my life without you. Thank you. You might not have loved me back in ways I had hoped for but you gave me a lesson that I will cherish forever.
Have a great life!

“Strive to be happy”

This is me, moving on. Yes, I am that girl who fell in love with a man who is in love with another man. #Friendzone

Love is a risk, either you win or you lose it all.

-FRG

words and photos are all original from feistyredgirl

-all rights reserved-

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Lucid

Head in the clouds 
What does it allow? 
Limitless words 
Unspoken too loud 
Unknown silence found 
As words hit the ground 

Under the cloud 
Shines a silver line 
Asked questions, Oh why? 
Do I have to try? 
Can it be defined? 
Just leave it behind 

Up in the sky 
Lucid clouds so high 
Seek and you will find 
Some joy to unwind 
Never doubt but fly 
Just dream, one more time 


©FRG

Happy New Year

My 2013 is like a thick book, filled with adventure, fun, drama, thrill and above all, lessons that I hope will last forever. It is not easy to start a new page, yet with enough courage an updated book cover can be made, beautiful pages can be written, fruitful and exciting stories can be published. None of those page has to be ignored for it took part to complete such history that when recalled maybe good, sometimes not so good but the bottom line is, it has played a major role in ones lives. Few characters left the scene, some remained, some were invisible, some were tangible, some were consistent few were inconsistent but thank you to those characters who gave color to such wonderful year. Places and locations filled with beauty, places of darkness even filled it with fear has strengthen the idea of how someone can learn beyond his limits. Loved and hated, has forgive and forgiven, a story is never complete without a villian. I too, has been a villain. Met some warriors, found thy heroes, still seeking for that knight even not on shiny armor. But through it all, turn the next page and finish the last chapter. For nothing is to be rewritten but more of accept everything thats been given. And now, as i publish this status, i wish everyone a happy happy new year. Go on and Give 2014 a blast and thank 2013 for what has been given, been done and all. God is good to bless us with another year to fill in our holes, to read as much as we can, to sharpen our pens, to light our dark paths, to be the person we dreamt to be, it is never too late to start again, HAPPY NEW YEAR ️

Letting Go

Maybe it’s the broken piece that holds me back,
It is the same piece that pierced my soul
It is the same piece that left a hole
A hole that was emptied for so long ago
A hole left to be as numb as before
Perhaps it could be the stab at my back
The stab that broke my heart into half
Half, that I can’t rebuild it again
Half that I forgot how to forgive and be forgiven
But who am I to keep this wound
For I know it will heal and I’ll eventually feel good
For nothing is permanent in this cruel world
But to please allow me, to say this words
Pierced or stabbed
Half or whole
I am finally letting you and all this, go

Elsewhere

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take me elsewhere, under the sun or in front of the sea
hid my pain from the grains of sand on my toes
run with me, through this infinite blue sea
wandering all day of what it could be
if you and I haven’t bid our goodbyes
if you and I stood still and never questioned why
take me high, higher than the clouds
touch my heart and feel thy beat
walk with me through this endless beauty
begging you to stay and asking you to please don’t leave me
if you and I were meant for each other
if you and I can stay together forever
perhaps I wouldn’t be struggling alone
walking barefooted under the sun
feeling the heat burning my skin
asking myself where should I begin
now that you’re gone
i have nothing left but this triumphant dream of you
walking and running with me
indulging into this deep blue sea
where love has begun and took its end
with this truthful hopes of one day
you’d take me elsewhere
under the sun or in front of this sea
again
once again… or never again…

#FRGturnsONE

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If I would be lost for words, I’d seek for what is within

If I may have lost myself, I’d seek for what is at hand

If I have no place to run, I’d walk slowly and find my way through the sun

And if I would write again

I would say thank you for 365 days of strong-willed power of writing

For expressing what is within

For finding what tends to be hidden

And realizing that there has to be no end

For something that God has bestowed me and made me driven

To satisfy and embellish what is given             

With ain’t no potential, pride and mischief to be proven

Again I thank you all for what is, was, has been written.                 

A Stranger Has Stared

I hate how some strangers stare

It’s as if I owe them an explanation that they can’t convey

Or they have tons of comments to say

Everyday

It’s like they’ve always crossed my way

Passed by my side, did stared and looked away

I’ve got used to it day by day

Today

I pretend to ignore that stranger that is coming my way

But deep inside and always, I’ve never failed to wonder of what they are thinking

Of why they are staring

Or at the back of their minds, what are they saying

The next day

Someone stared and kept on asking

Of what am I doing?

Then I smiled and said “I was doing nothing”

Then he smiled back and said

“There is more to life than earning, more than seeing is perceiving

More than doing is persevering, and more than just staring is to be caring and believing

Loving and giving

Understanding without judging

Helping without counting

Listening without complaining

And most of becoming more than living…”

And as I look back from that day

I thank that man who’ve crossed my way

He helped me to get on my way

Day by day

Even a hundred or a thousand stranger might have stared

I’d give them a smile with a glare

Instead of comparing and or competing or might be envying

I would walk, straight ahead on my way

Towards the greatness of the life that I have to live day by day

Morning Sun

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morning sun hear me sing

with this power of faith within

and the burning passion I’m feeling

hear me sing

with this fresh air I’m breathing

and this goodness I’m feeling

quench my thirst and my grieving

for there is nothing left but believing

that as the sun will rise

I will be freed and becoming…

someone, or something

worth living

with everything that’s inside me

is the truth that defy s me,

the reality that molds me,

and the real person that haunts me 

under this tree in front of this beautiful sea

I can foresee…

that there is hope that awaits me 

Lit the Fire

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One night at the middle of darkness

Frightened and filled with sadness

Frail and weak, fear was conceived

Strength was drawn with nothing perceived

Deceived

Blinded and filled with emptiness

Covered with such pain and loneliness

Feeble and indecisive

Lost with those ego and id

Believed

Lit the fire, light up the night

Burning woods and smokes were high

Ignite thy feeling and let thee fly

Dignified and with pride

At the middle of this dark night

I found thy way and light

Through this fire

I’ve found thy way to thrive  

Would you rather be What?

I was just enticed by a simple talk from our professor; she was talking about a carrot, a coffee bean and a hard-boiled egg in a hot-pot of boiling water. She compared the boiling water to a situation where in everything seemed to be uneasy, crucial and unpredictable, while she paralleled the carrot, the egg and the coffee bean to the people who are under such difficult situation.

The question was, would you rather be a carrot, a coffee bean or a hard boiled egg?

Having a difficult situation in one’s life is unavoidable thus it makes us stronger, it helps us grow and molds us to be better, but what if everything seemed to be so unpredictable, what would you tend to be, or how would you cope up with the situation?

A carrot on a hot-pot tends to be softened, weakened, and deformed.  In a situation that the carrot is into, it tends to just surrender and let the hot water mold its core and just do nothing at all. Where in nothing can’t be driven out of, and where everything seemed to be impossible, people just like the carrots tend to give up, tend to be lax and do nothing, softened by the situation, weakened by the circumstances, now, would you be a carrot?

On the other hand, a hard boiled egg was also on the same pot of boiling water. Obviously you would consider it to be strong, tough and brave. But have you considered that the egg’s shell is still fragile, breakable and weak.  It may have deceived you of its solid core but deep inside it’s still tender and soft. At times people may tend to establish their strongest core, but most of the time they tend to forget what’s inside. And eventually that makes them weaker, for they don’t know their missing out the most important thing and that is to draw the strength from inside than to ponder your strength to cover the weakness on the outside. Now would you be a hard boiled egg?

Lastly, a coffee bean was dumped into the boiling water and what will it do? Eventually it will be mixed up with the water, as they say it will bring out the best in the situation. Its granules will be scattered but in turn will produce an outcome that will fit the water, making it more productive and visible, it may have not considered the weakness and strength drawn from it, but instead it tends to blend in and made the best result out of the worst situation

Now what? Would you rather choose to be as what?

Maybe it’s easy to say that being a coffee bean would be the best choice, but have you realized that at times being a weak carrot or being a fragile egg would mold you to be the best person you can be. In every situation given, any conflicts, troubles and problems we tend to bend our core and struggle to be the best person after the warm situation. After all that boiling water will be cooled, just like our lives, not every day is a hot boiling point, we just have to be the best person that we can for us to fit the situation, surpassing the chaos, regaining dignity, establishing stability and living a life full of dignity.