Bloom

So what? If I fell in love with a man, who is also in love with another man?!

I was told it doesn’t make any sense! I was told that I knew it from the very beginning but still why did I pushed through it? They didn’t know that even I had been asking myself the same questions over and over! I had fought so hard to not get into the point where I would fall so hard and end up breaking my own heart, but I did! It felt so bad and so sad that I had to be where I am today just because I followed my heart.

It is not easy to fall in love with a man who is also in love with another man. I had to condition my head all the time and tame my heart not to beat so fast when he’s around. Heaven knows how badly I have fought for every feeling that I had, to resist the emotions, to never overthink the situation. I tried so hard to be rational and logical but it seemed like my heart was even more stubborn than my head. I don’t even know why? Is this even love? Is this even real? My resistance to everything was overlooked as me being rude, as me being so hard. But deep inside I was melting, I am as soft as the air that suffocated me, that made it so hard for me to breathe.

He didn’t know how painful that was. To fight with your own thoughts, to have a debate in your own head with no chances of winning an argument, but still I chose that feeling! The feeling of loving him from a far, The feeling of setting him free, the feeling of supporting him in exploring his identity. The joy in seeing him happy even if it isn’t me that caused it. He didn’t know that I wished him well that I never grasped the idea that we could really be together because I believed that I will never be enough and that he deserves more, loving him from a distance was all it could ever be and that’s all that was left for me. He didn’t know how it all rolled up to this because I was too hard on him and to myself. I made him believe that I am fine, that I am okay but I was screaming, losing my senses. All these didn’t matter because in my heart I have loved him so dearly in ways I knew how.

Until one day that I have to tell him that I love him. It felt incredibly awful! For the first time in this lifetime I am being honest to myself that I like this man and I am willing to risk it all! Surely I had fallen for other guys before but it never came to this point of being brutally true to myself that I feel something special for someone. I may be naive, but this is who I am. I was always in denial of the fact that I may be having feelings for someone, well that’s how it goes. I built this wall so strong that no other man can break, but he was an exception. He didn’t just break my walls, he climbed his way through and made me believe he will stay and the sad thing was, I let him in, I made him stay.

I am a person with severe trust issues and when I say severe, It is really SEVERE! I was always hesistant about him, his intentions, his actions. I always question his motives, maybe he’s just too kind? maybe I am his guilt trip or maybe he’s bored? maybe he’s just too good to be true or maybe because he’s simply my friend. I never felt his genuine friendship all these years, not a single bit! I don’t know why? maybe I am the problem, maybe I have the problem. Yet as this fiasco continued I have proven myself right. Why? because instead of letting me heal, he chose to push through a conversation that ended up so bad. He was fighting for the friendship, he said. I was fighting for me, for my healing I said and that means to not be friends with him anymore!

Was it too much to ask? Is it selfish to save your own sanity? Damn it! I was rejected by a man who is in love with another man who claims himself to be my friend. How can you even recover from that? How can you even tell yourself to stop crying? How can you even find the strength to forgive yourself for feeling too much and how can you seek for that courage to start anew? I lose it all, the love I kept for years, and the friend behind my every tears.

Is it too much to ask for space? for silence? Is it too much to ask to save myself? He even told me that I am self centered! That I always think of what I feel but I never thought of what he feels! I just don’t get it, he told me he doesn’t feel anything special for me! Okay, so maybe it was about the “friendship” thing but if he was really my “friend” as a friend he should have considered that I was hurting, that I am in pain, that I was rejected! He could have just stayed silent and respected me and what I felt but he didn’t. The most painful part is that he didn’t take this whole thing seriously and I felt belittled and disrespected as a human being and as a woman capable of feeling. He had the guts to invalidate whatever I felt because he was a man in love with another man and I was just a “sister” to him. I had no time to be rational and logical. I am not even that smart to weigh things! At that time I was so emotional, was it ever a crime to feel too much all at the same time? I am only human capable of loving and a woman who is still hurting.

I wonder why it came to this point, maybe I loved him because he seemed to care for me, for the things I like, for the ones I love. Maybe I loved him because he was always there, always willing to help. Maybe I loved him because he sees something good in me, maybe he believed in me, in the things that I could do, or the person that I could be. I loved him because he was there when everyone left, he made me feel something that I am worthy to be cared for, something that I have deprived myself of, something I never knew until I met him. I loved him because he never fails to listen maybe that was the best thing about him. I might ran out of reasons why I loved him but what I felt, that is something I can’t explain further, no rules, no standards, no rationale, no judgement, just LOVE.

Is it? I was hungry for love, for care, for someone that will understand and accpet me that now as I go through this phase of moving on I realized that I don’t have to look for all of those things I sought from him or from anybody else but rather just look deep into who I am. Perhaps the lesson that all these has imprinted in me is that, Learn to love yourself, accept who you are, understand what you can’t, work on what you could and please take good care of yourself for at the end of the day it is only you that could save your sanity and your well being.

Never feel sorry for being who you are, we’re all human capable of making mistakes and making things right. Never deprive yourself of the distance, space and the silence you need to heal. You know yourself better you can get through it! Never trust a person who calls you a friend but refuses to respect you, judges you and doesn’t take you seriously. Be cautious on who you open yourself up to, not everyone who comes will truly care for you and stay! Never chase for love and never ever beg for it, the right love will come at the right time. Love knows no rules, no gender, no age. Love knows only the truth and when you’re lucky enough you might find love in a friendly way possible. After all it could have been a life changing lesson learned.

Please be good to yourself and always, love bravely!

I will never regret that day when I realized that I love you and that day when I told you that I really do. but please allow me to live my life without you. Thank you. You might not have loved me back in ways I had hoped for but you gave me a lesson that I will cherish forever.
Have a great life!

“Strive to be happy”

This is me, moving on. Yes, I am that girl who fell in love with a man who is in love with another man. #Friendzone

Love is a risk, either you win or you lose it all.

-FRG

words and photos are all original from feistyredgirl

-all rights reserved-

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Me

Some can forgive but many can’t forget. Trusting someone can be a thing to regret, even being betrayed is what you could get. Later on, all that is left is the pain that was felt.

No words can calm a person who is so upset. No action can decieve a mind that is set to detect a threat. A threat that can make an entire life an empty set.

Forget? How easy is it to forget? When memories are inculcated on my head. Where scenarios are clearer as I lay on my bed. Where anger is as bright as the color red.

Forgive? How can you give? When nothing is left to retrieve only the hurt, the pain and the grief. They say it takes time to make believe, that one day you can move on and conceive.

Love can be the answer but what if it is the only thing that you have? The one thing you could have and the same thing that you never had!
Can it still be an answer?

Clever! For not beleiving in forever! For not loving yourself more than whosoever, for trusting them when they said “they will hold your hand and you will get through life together”.

Never! How could you make that promise? How could you do this? Hurt me so much and deprive me with peace, weakened so much that I can’t stand on my knees, numb enough to feel nothing and freeze.

Oh please! How fatal can it be? to catch the bullet and break free, to grasp the sorrow and bleed, only to find out that you’re the one behind it, the pull on the trigger that almost killed me, the agony that slayed me, the reason that I forgot to be happy. The lost serenity in my memory…

Now can I forgive ME?…..

Grab Some

The best thing about a cookie is, once you have it, it is either you consume it or you store it. Trust on the other hand is, once you have it, you have no choice but to keep it or consume it all, and consider it gone. Allow me to relate a cookie to trust, it may sound a bit silly, funny or whatever. Just please let me.

cookie

photo from google.com

A cookie is round, sometimes oval, sometimes square or it can be of any shape, but admit it once you see a cookie, there is an irresistible desire to eat it all no matter how it looks like, a cookie will always taste as such. It is sweet, a bit salty, some finds it a bit bitter, some add flavors, some make it simple, some make it taste too much, yet all of us have our different preference right? Admit it, once you see it you grab it easily and make the most out of it, but when the cookie is gone, not even a trace of it can remind of how whole the cookie was before you ate it, it is just the after-taste that remains and sooner it will also be gone. Like any cycle you do the same thing over and over once you have that “cookie encounter”. Some prefers swallowing the whole piece of it, like there’s no way someone can get this cookie from me thingy. Others prefer small bites, reserving every piece of it till tomorrow, kidding! Some wants it to be broken into half or even to 4, savoring each bit, while others store it as long as they want, until it expires and just be disposed to the trash bag. At one way or another it is our choice on how we do it, or on how we deal with it. Apparently it may sound like I’m making a big deal about it but come to think of it.

Trust is like respect it is not being imposed it is being earned and some may agree that “it takes years to have it and only a few seconds to destroy it”. Moreover trust is the core of everything be it in a relationship, career, or simply in our daily lives. If you don’t trust the person behind you on a train, man! That must have been a panic attack, or the vendor along the streets, or the stranger who’s asking for directions, or the teacher who taught you how to read, or the father who says that he’ll never leave you, or the friend you’ve known for years, and even the man you’ve loved so dearly. Trust can make new beginnings but it can also cast unhappy endings. Face it! It is really hard to trust anyone especially nowadays, where lying is just as easy as ABC’s and where pretending is as casual and cheating is a hobby and selfishness comes so easy. Fact, the trust you once had can never be retrieved by any means.

chocolate_cookies

photo from google.com

Now, what is this silly analogy-comparison I’ve made between a cookie and trust well, I bet you have an idea. It is as simple as first, once you swallowed the whole cookie, expect that choke is coming right away, a glass of water may help (I bet); just like trust, if you easily and fully gave your whole trust to someone it can either make you feel good or bad, again it is your choice anyway, remember that consequences are just around the corner, careful. Second, small cookie bites take time, sometimes if it takes too long before you finish it the quality of the cookie is decreased, it may become a bit soft, or its texture may change and so on, just like in trusting someone it is good to take time and seize each moments and learn from it but the negative thing about taking too much time is that, it may change, its quality, the person you knew may have different preference, maybe he change for some reasons or time has made you and him grew apart. A bit dramatic and sad, but yes it happens sometimes. Third, some breaks the cookie to half, making sure that it’ll be as equal as it can be, but the thing is, as you break it into half, you may have not notice that the small particles that once made that cookie whole are falling down the floor and later swept on, see the thing, the more we make sure that it is fair and equal and suitable for all it just turns out that some of its components are gone, we oftentimes ignore the little things we do for others like trusting them can make a lot more difference if we gave it our all or if we just learned to set boundaries to refrain the scenarios of being hurt and betrayed. See that? That is quite a long reasoning but come to think of it being a bit obsessive is sometimes not good at all. Lastly, some chooses to keep the cookie until it expires, some are afraid to take risk or just too lazy to do stuffs or just, they don’t really like it at all. Trusting someone is a risk, weither you like it or not you’ll invest a portion of it to someone, others find it so hard because they are afraid, maybe because, they’ve been hurt, or they’ve been changed or they’ve just learned their lesson. The thing is it is also good to be silent sometimes, and just stay on the shelves to avoid dramas and confrontations but the thing is, you’ll never realize the truth, you’ll never learn if you will deprive yourself, you’ll never enjoy, you’ll never be satisfied.

Bottom line is we just have to be honest for us to be trustworthy. No matter how much trust someone has invested on us and no matter how we’ve known and not known each other, honesty can bind us all, you can include sincerity if you like. It is not the type of cookie or the manner on how you take it but it is the genuineness of your heart that will defy your every means when it comes to trusting and being trusted by someone. No specific ingredient is needed on this; it is just you who has that power to make each bite the sweetest. Get rid of the bitterness that you may taste by trusting the wrong people, even so, learn to appreciate it because for once you’ve been oriented on how is it like to have a taste of it, learn from it. Now grab that cookie and make sure you’ll enjoy it because that’s why it is made, to satisfy our cravings, to ease our hunger, and to enjoy every piece of it with laughter. I trust you on this buddy!

-FRG

Happy New Year

My 2013 is like a thick book, filled with adventure, fun, drama, thrill and above all, lessons that I hope will last forever. It is not easy to start a new page, yet with enough courage an updated book cover can be made, beautiful pages can be written, fruitful and exciting stories can be published. None of those page has to be ignored for it took part to complete such history that when recalled maybe good, sometimes not so good but the bottom line is, it has played a major role in ones lives. Few characters left the scene, some remained, some were invisible, some were tangible, some were consistent few were inconsistent but thank you to those characters who gave color to such wonderful year. Places and locations filled with beauty, places of darkness even filled it with fear has strengthen the idea of how someone can learn beyond his limits. Loved and hated, has forgive and forgiven, a story is never complete without a villian. I too, has been a villain. Met some warriors, found thy heroes, still seeking for that knight even not on shiny armor. But through it all, turn the next page and finish the last chapter. For nothing is to be rewritten but more of accept everything thats been given. And now, as i publish this status, i wish everyone a happy happy new year. Go on and Give 2014 a blast and thank 2013 for what has been given, been done and all. God is good to bless us with another year to fill in our holes, to read as much as we can, to sharpen our pens, to light our dark paths, to be the person we dreamt to be, it is never too late to start again, HAPPY NEW YEAR ️

Letting Go

Maybe it’s the broken piece that holds me back,
It is the same piece that pierced my soul
It is the same piece that left a hole
A hole that was emptied for so long ago
A hole left to be as numb as before
Perhaps it could be the stab at my back
The stab that broke my heart into half
Half, that I can’t rebuild it again
Half that I forgot how to forgive and be forgiven
But who am I to keep this wound
For I know it will heal and I’ll eventually feel good
For nothing is permanent in this cruel world
But to please allow me, to say this words
Pierced or stabbed
Half or whole
I am finally letting you and all this, go

Love is…

When love is gone…
Can I actually go on?
when it’s like every time i hear our song
i still stumble and think of you for quite too long

When love is gone…
Can i just forget how it all began?
when you left and chose to run
I remained silent and never mumbled a sound

When love is gone…
Can it be found?
when it’s buried a hundred feet below the ground
I remained under and seemed to be drowned

When love is gone..
Can I love again?
when everything was poured out onto you my friend
I refrained from trying cause I’m afraid to lose you at the end

When love is gone…
Can i pretend?
when I’m punished by the feelings that I can’t comprehend
I force myself to ignore you to ease the pain and mend

When the love is gone
Can it actually stay?
Even if it is the core that destroys you day by day
without any words to say
i wish that love can stay
for when love is gone
it is where everything has seemed to begun…

Freeze and Cold

I froze this feeling once in a while
stood through the hazy storm and never asked why
shivering and shaking with a little cry
with whispers of regrets that maybe, “its best if I never tried”

as i mold this solid coldness that wrapped thy heart
soon enough it will be broken into parts
shattered pieces that pierces thy soul
numb enough that the mind can’t understand or know

stagnant cold water, allow this pain to flow
intangible and frigid cold
can it all just melt and unleash that same old glow
for i wish to move forward and grow
despite of this frailness that i know
just like the solid ice or snow
all this shall melt and eventually go…

Elsewhere

941536_4766452562214_1327411415_n

take me elsewhere, under the sun or in front of the sea
hid my pain from the grains of sand on my toes
run with me, through this infinite blue sea
wandering all day of what it could be
if you and I haven’t bid our goodbyes
if you and I stood still and never questioned why
take me high, higher than the clouds
touch my heart and feel thy beat
walk with me through this endless beauty
begging you to stay and asking you to please don’t leave me
if you and I were meant for each other
if you and I can stay together forever
perhaps I wouldn’t be struggling alone
walking barefooted under the sun
feeling the heat burning my skin
asking myself where should I begin
now that you’re gone
i have nothing left but this triumphant dream of you
walking and running with me
indulging into this deep blue sea
where love has begun and took its end
with this truthful hopes of one day
you’d take me elsewhere
under the sun or in front of this sea
again
once again… or never again…

See You Again

What if I’ll see you again?

Would it be easy for me to pretend?

That all these feelings that I had come to an end

Or am I just fooling myself and can’t comprehend

For it’ll be so difficult to mend

If I’ll see you again holding some other’s hand

 

What if I’ll see you again?

Will I be the same person you’ve met?

Or would you be the same man who made my heart melt

Probably not, or maybe yes

Would it be bearable to be felt?

That I have ample memories left

Of how good and bad this whole thing took its end

 

I’d rather not see you again

For I’m afraid to feel that love again

Tell me that I can

Forget you and forgive you

In the best way that I can

And rather walk along and never look back again