Bloom

So what? If I fell in love with a man, who is also in love with another man?!

I was told it doesn’t make any sense! I was told that I knew it from the very beginning but still why did I pushed through it? They didn’t know that even I had been asking myself the same questions over and over! I had fought so hard to not get into the point where I would fall so hard and end up breaking my own heart, but I did! It felt so bad and so sad that I had to be where I am today just because I followed my heart.

It is not easy to fall in love with a man who is also in love with another man. I had to condition my head all the time and tame my heart not to beat so fast when he’s around. Heaven knows how badly I have fought for every feeling that I had, to resist the emotions, to never overthink the situation. I tried so hard to be rational and logical but it seemed like my heart was even more stubborn than my head. I don’t even know why? Is this even love? Is this even real? My resistance to everything was overlooked as me being rude, as me being so hard. But deep inside I was melting, I am as soft as the air that suffocated me, that made it so hard for me to breathe.

He didn’t know how painful that was. To fight with your own thoughts, to have a debate in your own head with no chances of winning an argument, but still I chose that feeling! The feeling of loving him from a far, The feeling of setting him free, the feeling of supporting him in exploring his identity. The joy in seeing him happy even if it isn’t me that caused it. He didn’t know that I wished him well that I never grasped the idea that we could really be together because I believed that I will never be enough and that he deserves more, loving him from a distance was all it could ever be and that’s all that was left for me. He didn’t know how it all rolled up to this because I was too hard on him and to myself. I made him believe that I am fine, that I am okay but I was screaming, losing my senses. All these didn’t matter because in my heart I have loved him so dearly in ways I knew how.

Until one day that I have to tell him that I love him. It felt incredibly awful! For the first time in this lifetime I am being honest to myself that I like this man and I am willing to risk it all! Surely I had fallen for other guys before but it never came to this point of being brutally true to myself that I feel something special for someone. I may be naive, but this is who I am. I was always in denial of the fact that I may be having feelings for someone, well that’s how it goes. I built this wall so strong that no other man can break, but he was an exception. He didn’t just break my walls, he climbed his way through and made me believe he will stay and the sad thing was, I let him in, I made him stay.

I am a person with severe trust issues and when I say severe, It is really SEVERE! I was always hesistant about him, his intentions, his actions. I always question his motives, maybe he’s just too kind? maybe I am his guilt trip or maybe he’s bored? maybe he’s just too good to be true or maybe because he’s simply my friend. I never felt his genuine friendship all these years, not a single bit! I don’t know why? maybe I am the problem, maybe I have the problem. Yet as this fiasco continued I have proven myself right. Why? because instead of letting me heal, he chose to push through a conversation that ended up so bad. He was fighting for the friendship, he said. I was fighting for me, for my healing I said and that means to not be friends with him anymore!

Was it too much to ask? Is it selfish to save your own sanity? Damn it! I was rejected by a man who is in love with another man who claims himself to be my friend. How can you even recover from that? How can you even tell yourself to stop crying? How can you even find the strength to forgive yourself for feeling too much and how can you seek for that courage to start anew? I lose it all, the love I kept for years, and the friend behind my every tears.

Is it too much to ask for space? for silence? Is it too much to ask to save myself? He even told me that I am self centered! That I always think of what I feel but I never thought of what he feels! I just don’t get it, he told me he doesn’t feel anything special for me! Okay, so maybe it was about the “friendship” thing but if he was really my “friend” as a friend he should have considered that I was hurting, that I am in pain, that I was rejected! He could have just stayed silent and respected me and what I felt but he didn’t. The most painful part is that he didn’t take this whole thing seriously and I felt belittled and disrespected as a human being and as a woman capable of feeling. He had the guts to invalidate whatever I felt because he was a man in love with another man and I was just a “sister” to him. I had no time to be rational and logical. I am not even that smart to weigh things! At that time I was so emotional, was it ever a crime to feel too much all at the same time? I am only human capable of loving and a woman who is still hurting.

I wonder why it came to this point, maybe I loved him because he seemed to care for me, for the things I like, for the ones I love. Maybe I loved him because he was always there, always willing to help. Maybe I loved him because he sees something good in me, maybe he believed in me, in the things that I could do, or the person that I could be. I loved him because he was there when everyone left, he made me feel something that I am worthy to be cared for, something that I have deprived myself of, something I never knew until I met him. I loved him because he never fails to listen maybe that was the best thing about him. I might ran out of reasons why I loved him but what I felt, that is something I can’t explain further, no rules, no standards, no rationale, no judgement, just LOVE.

Is it? I was hungry for love, for care, for someone that will understand and accpet me that now as I go through this phase of moving on I realized that I don’t have to look for all of those things I sought from him or from anybody else but rather just look deep into who I am. Perhaps the lesson that all these has imprinted in me is that, Learn to love yourself, accept who you are, understand what you can’t, work on what you could and please take good care of yourself for at the end of the day it is only you that could save your sanity and your well being.

Never feel sorry for being who you are, we’re all human capable of making mistakes and making things right. Never deprive yourself of the distance, space and the silence you need to heal. You know yourself better you can get through it! Never trust a person who calls you a friend but refuses to respect you, judges you and doesn’t take you seriously. Be cautious on who you open yourself up to, not everyone who comes will truly care for you and stay! Never chase for love and never ever beg for it, the right love will come at the right time. Love knows no rules, no gender, no age. Love knows only the truth and when you’re lucky enough you might find love in a friendly way possible. After all it could have been a life changing lesson learned.

Please be good to yourself and always, love bravely!

I will never regret that day when I realized that I love you and that day when I told you that I really do. but please allow me to live my life without you. Thank you. You might not have loved me back in ways I had hoped for but you gave me a lesson that I will cherish forever.
Have a great life!

“Strive to be happy”

This is me, moving on. Yes, I am that girl who fell in love with a man who is in love with another man. #Friendzone

Love is a risk, either you win or you lose it all.

-FRG

words and photos are all original from feistyredgirl

-all rights reserved-

Advertisements

Grab Some

The best thing about a cookie is, once you have it, it is either you consume it or you store it. Trust on the other hand is, once you have it, you have no choice but to keep it or consume it all, and consider it gone. Allow me to relate a cookie to trust, it may sound a bit silly, funny or whatever. Just please let me.

cookie

photo from google.com

A cookie is round, sometimes oval, sometimes square or it can be of any shape, but admit it once you see a cookie, there is an irresistible desire to eat it all no matter how it looks like, a cookie will always taste as such. It is sweet, a bit salty, some finds it a bit bitter, some add flavors, some make it simple, some make it taste too much, yet all of us have our different preference right? Admit it, once you see it you grab it easily and make the most out of it, but when the cookie is gone, not even a trace of it can remind of how whole the cookie was before you ate it, it is just the after-taste that remains and sooner it will also be gone. Like any cycle you do the same thing over and over once you have that “cookie encounter”. Some prefers swallowing the whole piece of it, like there’s no way someone can get this cookie from me thingy. Others prefer small bites, reserving every piece of it till tomorrow, kidding! Some wants it to be broken into half or even to 4, savoring each bit, while others store it as long as they want, until it expires and just be disposed to the trash bag. At one way or another it is our choice on how we do it, or on how we deal with it. Apparently it may sound like I’m making a big deal about it but come to think of it.

Trust is like respect it is not being imposed it is being earned and some may agree that “it takes years to have it and only a few seconds to destroy it”. Moreover trust is the core of everything be it in a relationship, career, or simply in our daily lives. If you don’t trust the person behind you on a train, man! That must have been a panic attack, or the vendor along the streets, or the stranger who’s asking for directions, or the teacher who taught you how to read, or the father who says that he’ll never leave you, or the friend you’ve known for years, and even the man you’ve loved so dearly. Trust can make new beginnings but it can also cast unhappy endings. Face it! It is really hard to trust anyone especially nowadays, where lying is just as easy as ABC’s and where pretending is as casual and cheating is a hobby and selfishness comes so easy. Fact, the trust you once had can never be retrieved by any means.

chocolate_cookies

photo from google.com

Now, what is this silly analogy-comparison I’ve made between a cookie and trust well, I bet you have an idea. It is as simple as first, once you swallowed the whole cookie, expect that choke is coming right away, a glass of water may help (I bet); just like trust, if you easily and fully gave your whole trust to someone it can either make you feel good or bad, again it is your choice anyway, remember that consequences are just around the corner, careful. Second, small cookie bites take time, sometimes if it takes too long before you finish it the quality of the cookie is decreased, it may become a bit soft, or its texture may change and so on, just like in trusting someone it is good to take time and seize each moments and learn from it but the negative thing about taking too much time is that, it may change, its quality, the person you knew may have different preference, maybe he change for some reasons or time has made you and him grew apart. A bit dramatic and sad, but yes it happens sometimes. Third, some breaks the cookie to half, making sure that it’ll be as equal as it can be, but the thing is, as you break it into half, you may have not notice that the small particles that once made that cookie whole are falling down the floor and later swept on, see the thing, the more we make sure that it is fair and equal and suitable for all it just turns out that some of its components are gone, we oftentimes ignore the little things we do for others like trusting them can make a lot more difference if we gave it our all or if we just learned to set boundaries to refrain the scenarios of being hurt and betrayed. See that? That is quite a long reasoning but come to think of it being a bit obsessive is sometimes not good at all. Lastly, some chooses to keep the cookie until it expires, some are afraid to take risk or just too lazy to do stuffs or just, they don’t really like it at all. Trusting someone is a risk, weither you like it or not you’ll invest a portion of it to someone, others find it so hard because they are afraid, maybe because, they’ve been hurt, or they’ve been changed or they’ve just learned their lesson. The thing is it is also good to be silent sometimes, and just stay on the shelves to avoid dramas and confrontations but the thing is, you’ll never realize the truth, you’ll never learn if you will deprive yourself, you’ll never enjoy, you’ll never be satisfied.

Bottom line is we just have to be honest for us to be trustworthy. No matter how much trust someone has invested on us and no matter how we’ve known and not known each other, honesty can bind us all, you can include sincerity if you like. It is not the type of cookie or the manner on how you take it but it is the genuineness of your heart that will defy your every means when it comes to trusting and being trusted by someone. No specific ingredient is needed on this; it is just you who has that power to make each bite the sweetest. Get rid of the bitterness that you may taste by trusting the wrong people, even so, learn to appreciate it because for once you’ve been oriented on how is it like to have a taste of it, learn from it. Now grab that cookie and make sure you’ll enjoy it because that’s why it is made, to satisfy our cravings, to ease our hunger, and to enjoy every piece of it with laughter. I trust you on this buddy!

-FRG

Letting Go

Maybe it’s the broken piece that holds me back,
It is the same piece that pierced my soul
It is the same piece that left a hole
A hole that was emptied for so long ago
A hole left to be as numb as before
Perhaps it could be the stab at my back
The stab that broke my heart into half
Half, that I can’t rebuild it again
Half that I forgot how to forgive and be forgiven
But who am I to keep this wound
For I know it will heal and I’ll eventually feel good
For nothing is permanent in this cruel world
But to please allow me, to say this words
Pierced or stabbed
Half or whole
I am finally letting you and all this, go

A Stranger Has Stared

I hate how some strangers stare

It’s as if I owe them an explanation that they can’t convey

Or they have tons of comments to say

Everyday

It’s like they’ve always crossed my way

Passed by my side, did stared and looked away

I’ve got used to it day by day

Today

I pretend to ignore that stranger that is coming my way

But deep inside and always, I’ve never failed to wonder of what they are thinking

Of why they are staring

Or at the back of their minds, what are they saying

The next day

Someone stared and kept on asking

Of what am I doing?

Then I smiled and said “I was doing nothing”

Then he smiled back and said

“There is more to life than earning, more than seeing is perceiving

More than doing is persevering, and more than just staring is to be caring and believing

Loving and giving

Understanding without judging

Helping without counting

Listening without complaining

And most of becoming more than living…”

And as I look back from that day

I thank that man who’ve crossed my way

He helped me to get on my way

Day by day

Even a hundred or a thousand stranger might have stared

I’d give them a smile with a glare

Instead of comparing and or competing or might be envying

I would walk, straight ahead on my way

Towards the greatness of the life that I have to live day by day

Picture-Perfect

I’ve got my camera and the lights are ready
The location is set and the background is empty
Many came and showed me that they were happy
Hid their sorrows and feelings of being weary
Though some can’t contain their emotion and became teary
They all said that they will never leave me

Dim the light, picture-perfect, click
The camera didn’t work
And the location turned out to be full of strangers
I was left alone at the middle of the show
With no one to turn to
Or might have someone to say hello to
Oh so weird and tragic but true

But then i turned around and saw you coming
Smiling and beaming with positivism
Showed me that life is still worth living
Even if my camera isn’t working
And there were no familiar face smiling
Even if the lights are dimming, there is still reason to believe in
That there can be another set
New location and crowd to deal with

Many have left and few have chosen to stay
Helped me conquer the fight and play
Stood all night and day
With ample resources of faith and joy everyday
Filling up this large frame and memories
With photos that are equally claimed as a masterpiece
Making each shot a picture that is exceptionally perfect

My Here and Now

now is here and it’s what i breathe

the past is gone and a new day sees

sees the good and positive in me

now i can do it, be it and conquer it

 

here i stand, from the odds

changing and breaking free

taking those chances at hand and believes

 

i can do it, do it for one thing

do it because i want it not because i need it

do it cause it’s a chance, not because i seek vengeance

not because i have to prove something to anyone

not because i’m caring for ones reputation

but it’s because

i wanna do it and i can make it

 

now is here together with the stories behind me

wrapping them all, ignoring them all

moving on and taking steps forward

here’s what i do to be free and happy

 

i’m afraid to let go but it’s the least that i can do for myself

cast all those shadows from the past

give this day a blast

finish all those battles

believing i can do it and conquer it

 

Can it Be?

left in a room, with no one but me

gazing through the window pane

collecting all those pain

with no one but me

staring at the trees

seeing those birds fly as free

asking thyself can it be

with no one but me

can it be, i want it and need it to be

suddenly the light was dim

the colorful day turned into gray

with its warm breeze turned into chills

with no one but me

how can i froze this tears

how can i get rid of this fears

that only my mind sees

throughout the years

i hope someone hears

with no one but me

i hope someday they can see

those smiles in me

that finally i’m happy and free

with those pain behind me

with no one but me

i can be

 

 

from the bunch… i choose y’all

would you rather be with whom

a bunch of smart kids from the urban

with nothing but thick books and journals at hand

classroom honors and quiz-bee masters 

with “silence please” all around 

or would you be with the…

popular, the rich kids from the city

with nothing at hand but bunch of money

partying till dawn, wearing tees and shorts all night long 

“easy go lucky” as they call

or would it be better to fit in..

to a group of sexy and pretty girls

boys chase and die for

with nothing at hand but a bag of cosmetics and a huge self mirror

loves going to the mall, dating and giving guys a call

or would you choose…

a team of weird people

loves to stroll around and walk through the woods

loves to talk about anything under the sun without limit

doesn’t care for time just to finish their games

floating ideas all along, mister Newton must jump in

or should it be the…

sports hottie, the sports girls from the gym

where training is their life and NBA is their thing

spending hours for practice

to avoid defeat or miss…

or is it better to….

sit in with the creatives, where pen and paper is their thing

ideas, concepts, and art is what they breath

expressing themselves, sharing stories, lines and poems

mister Shakespeare must sit in

wether or not we know our friends

we love them and we are identified with them

but at times,

people can be friends despite their differences, despite their interests, despite of what they want

i guess that is the magic of friendship

you can go places, you can cross boundaries

you can test your limits

you can be as sassy, crazy or noisy

but at the end of the day

friendship is not about what you share, of what and why you bond

of what keeps you together.. but it’s about

the respect, the trust

the willingness to know each one of your friends whole heartedly

with ain’t no cruel intentions just purity and sincerity

from a bunch we must choose to know each member not to identify the wholeness of it

not in accordance of how you perceived them to be

take time

sit down

call a friend

ask her

is she/he okay, what are her ideas, what does she/he likes

for when you know

you may have chosen the best bunch of people to be with

but you may have lost the best person

because you have acted like it is as if….

you are not interested to know the real story behind each, each one of your friend

never take them for granted

for it is hard to mend and or comprehend

when a true friends is hurt by another friend

it is like living a life of fret

The Thick Eyeglasses

she grew from a four-cornered hall

her face hidden on a thick eyeglasses

she seemed to be so timid and shy

as she grew and went to school, she was bullied

she ran after her teacher once a classmate would scold her

once a classmate would tell her she’s ugly

once a seatmate would throw her a piece of paper

and once a classmate would push her through the wall

it has never been as easy

arriving home, she tends to be…

beaming with smile acting it’s as if everything at school was fine

seeing her dad at the front door with a smile

dad, who has been her source of strength since then

she goes to school the other day

numb of all the name-names thrown on her

she tends to pretend that everything will be fine, got used to it and it’s as usual

years have passed, she grew into someone who is far from the timid little girl from the four corners

expanded her ways as she crossed boundaries

she mingled with different people

brought her thick eyeglasses on and the courage within, she was a big girl from then on 

just like the old days she hide her eyes from the worldliness

controlled her ears to filter the noise

taught her lips to speak a few

and equipped her heart to be brave

held the hands of those who understood

embraced those who trusted and believed in her

and turned her back to those who judge her

thou everything may have been as superficial, skeptical and rational

the girl from the four corners is still inside her

but then covered with a superficial mask to save her

to save her from the doubtful, the dishonest and the mischief 

she’s been through enough

but as she looks back

seeing her dad on the door smiling

ain’t no mischievousness can further destroy her

ain’t no rumor can crash her

and no one can ever treat her as a trash

cause she is saved, saved by his fathers smile 

all the while 

hidden or found, deep or superficial

saved and loved….

that keeps her going….

 

She was….

she was torn between the pureness of friendship and love

she was blown away

she was conquered by the play

she might have wanted to just run away

but she was

she was knocked by the verge of falling

she was getting there

she was composing herself to admit thy feeling

thy feeling

of uncertainty and realization that she knew

she knew it wouldn’t be for long

she was there, been there and seemed to falter

with nothing to hold on but such intuition

and or not affection nor attraction

she just can’t deny the joys

she can’t hide those smiles and that yes indeed

she’s starting to like him