first love

So what? If I fell in love with a man, who is also in love with another man?!

I was told it doesn’t make any sense! I was told that I knew it from the very beginning but still why did I pushed through it? They didn’t know that even I had been asking myself the same questions over and over! I had fought so hard to not get into the point where I would fall so hard and end up breaking my own heart, but I did! It felt so bad and so sad that I had to be where I am today just because I followed my heart.

It is not easy to fall in love with a man who is also in love with another man. I had to condition my head all the time and tame my heart not to beat so fast when he’s around. Heaven knows how badly I have fought for every feeling that I had, to resist the emotions, to never overthink the situation. I tried so hard to be rational and logical but it seemed like my heart was even more stubborn than my head. I don’t even know why? Is this even love? Is this even real? My resistance to everything was overlooked as me being rude, as me being so hard. But deep inside I was melting, I am as soft as the air that suffocated me, that made it so hard for me to breathe.

He didn’t know how painful that was. To fight with your own thoughts, to have a debate in your own head with no chances of winning an argument, but still I chose that feeling! The feeling of loving him from a far, The feeling of setting him free, the feeling of supporting him in exploring his identity. The joy in seeing him happy even if it isn’t me that caused it. He didn’t know that I wished him well that I never grasped the idea that we could really be together because I believed that I will never be enough and that he deserves more, loving him from a distance was all it could ever be and that’s all that was left for me. He didn’t know how it all rolled up to this because I was too hard on him and to myself. I made him believe that I am fine, that I am okay but I was screaming, losing my senses. All these didn’t matter because in my heart I have loved him so dearly in ways I knew how.

Until one day that I have to tell him that I love him. It felt incredibly awful! For the first time in this lifetime I am being honest to myself that I like this man and I am willing to risk it all! Surely I had fallen for other guys before but it never came to this point of being brutally true to myself that I feel something special for someone. I may be naive, but this is who I am. I was always in denial of the fact that I may be having feelings for someone, well that’s how it goes. I built this wall so strong that no other man can break, but he was an exception. He didn’t just break my walls, he climbed his way through and made me believe he will stay and the sad thing was, I let him in, I made him stay.

I am a person with severe trust issues and when I say severe, It is really SEVERE! I was always hesistant about him, his intentions, his actions. I always question his motives, maybe he’s just too kind? maybe I am his guilt trip or maybe he’s bored? maybe he’s just too good to be true or maybe because he’s simply my friend. I never felt his genuine friendship all these years, not a single bit! I don’t know why? maybe I am the problem, maybe I have the problem. Yet as this fiasco continued I have proven myself right. Why? because instead of letting me heal, he chose to push through a conversation that ended up so bad. He was fighting for the friendship, he said. I was fighting for me, for my healing I said and that means to not be friends with him anymore!

Was it too much to ask? Is it selfish to save your own sanity? Damn it! I was rejected by a man who is in love with another man who claims himself to be my friend. How can you even recover from that? How can you even tell yourself to stop crying? How can you even find the strength to forgive yourself for feeling too much and how can you seek for that courage to start anew? I lose it all, the love I kept for years, and the friend behind my every tears.

Is it too much to ask for space? for silence? Is it too much to ask to save myself? He even told me that I am self centered! That I always think of what I feel but I never thought of what he feels! I just don’t get it, he told me he doesn’t feel anything special for me! Okay, so maybe it was about the “friendship” thing but if he was really my “friend” as a friend he should have considered that I was hurting, that I am in pain, that I was rejected! He could have just stayed silent and respected me and what I felt but he didn’t. The most painful part is that he didn’t take this whole thing seriously and I felt belittled and disrespected as a human being and as a woman capable of feeling. He had the guts to invalidate whatever I felt because he was a man in love with another man and I was just a “sister” to him. I had no time to be rational and logical. I am not even that smart to weigh things! At that time I was so emotional, was it ever a crime to feel too much all at the same time? I am only human capable of loving and a woman who is still hurting.

I wonder why it came to this point, maybe I loved him because he seemed to care for me, for the things I like, for the ones I love. Maybe I loved him because he was always there, always willing to help. Maybe I loved him because he sees something good in me, maybe he believed in me, in the things that I could do, or the person that I could be. I loved him because he was there when everyone left, he made me feel something that I am worthy to be cared for, something that I have deprived myself of, something I never knew until I met him. I loved him because he never fails to listen maybe that was the best thing about him. I might ran out of reasons why I loved him but what I felt, that is something I can’t explain further, no rules, no standards, no rationale, no judgement, just LOVE.

Is it? I was hungry for love, for care, for someone that will understand and accpet me that now as I go through this phase of moving on I realized that I don’t have to look for all of those things I sought from him or from anybody else but rather just look deep into who I am. Perhaps the lesson that all these has imprinted in me is that, Learn to love yourself, accept who you are, understand what you can’t, work on what you could and please take good care of yourself for at the end of the day it is only you that could save your sanity and your well being.

Never feel sorry for being who you are, we’re all human capable of making mistakes and making things right. Never deprive yourself of the distance, space and the silence you need to heal. You know yourself better you can get through it! Never trust a person who calls you a friend but refuses to respect you, judges you and doesn’t take you seriously. Be cautious on who you open yourself up to, not everyone who comes will truly care for you and stay! Never chase for love and never ever beg for it, the right love will come at the right time. Love knows no rules, no gender, no age. Love knows only the truth and when you’re lucky enough you might find love in a friendly way possible. After all it could have been a life changing lesson learned.

Please be good to yourself and always, love bravely!

I will never regret that day when I realized that I love you and that day when I told you that I really do. but please allow me to live my life without you. Thank you. You might not have loved me back in ways I had hoped for but you gave me a lesson that I will cherish forever.
Have a great life!

“Strive to be happy”

This is me, moving on. Yes, I am that girl who fell in love with a man who is in love with another man. #Friendzone

Love is a risk, either you win or you lose it all.

-FRG

words and photos are all original from feistyredgirl